


Aliens in Broadchurch

by BonnieLass23



Series: 3+ Idiots Roaming [1]
Category: Broadchurch, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Mistaken Identity, and it's Rose's, the oncoming disaster squad, they've only got the one brain cell between them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22259572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonnieLass23/pseuds/BonnieLass23
Summary: Rose and Tentoo team up with Thirteen to investigate an alien threat in a small town called Broadchurch with cases of mistaken identity hyjinx and mayhem ensue.This is set at the end of season 2 of Broadchurch, right after Joe Miller has been declared not guilty. Although this is a comedy there will be references to the trial and cases involved in season 2, which deal with potentially triggering themes.
Relationships: Metacrisis Tenth Doctor & Thirteenth Doctor & Rose Tyler, Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Series: 3+ Idiots Roaming [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625743
Comments: 65
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Given how many actors have now done both Doctor Who and Broadchurch, including two doctors, I just felt this needed to happen.

Alec Hardy would have liked to be shocked at the news, but he couldn’t quite find himself surprised that everything had gone to shit. He had wanted, hell he had needed a win after Sandbrook, but it was him so of course the bastard had gotten off. After everything the town went through, the Latimers and Miller, he had needed this for them. The universe might see fit to kick him in the teeth, but they deserved better, they deserved justice.

Caught up in his thoughts Alec didn’t notice the woman bounding up to him until she was practically right in his face. Some detective he was, letting his guard down like that.

“There you are!” Without warning she lightly grabbed his chin, turning his head from side to side. “I thought you said you were going to shave this morning Doctor.” Doctor?

Alec cleared his throat, looking down at the quite frankly stunning blonde woman currently invading his personal space. “Detective.”

“Huh?” She quirked her head to the side.

“Not Doctor. Detective Inspector Alec Hardy.” Alec continued his correction. She must have mistaken him for someone else.

Her reaction was not what he expected. Instead of a murmured, awkward apology, she grinned up at him, tongue in her teeth. “Scottish again are we?” Alec had barely begun to form a response when she was walking her fingers up his chest. “Is it another werewolf?”

“Uh.”

“Tell you what _Detective_.” Her hand wound around his tie, dragging his face down to hers. “After we’re done investigating, we can follow up so that you can tame this tumultuous beasty.” Before he could blink she had covered his mouth with hers. On instinct his hands went to clutch at her hips while she snogged him.

Finally his brain caught up to his actions and with a jerk he broke apart from her. “Wh-what was that for?” He couldn’t think of a reason random women would accost him in the street for a snog just because. Him, the worst cop in Britain.

“That, _Detective_.” She gave him a lecherous smile. “Was a preview of later. Now we need to go catch that alien so we can pick up where we left off.” She gave him a quick peck on the lips before darting away.

Alec stood dumbstruck, trying to process exactly what had happened. Falling back on his years as a detective he broke it down in his head. An unknown woman had stopped him, acting like she knew him, brought up aliens and werewolves, snogged him, and then left. It felt like something from one of those reality shows Daisy liked to watch, where the crew would set up some elaborate prank in order to catch said victim out. Of course that’s what it had to be. Some sort of practical joke. 

Clenching his fists Alec turned on his heel changing his destination. It was juvenile at best, something a teenager would find funny. Yes he had fucked up the case, but that didn’t give anyone an excuse to pull this shite with him. There was only one teenager he could think of that would have means and motive. Chloe Latimer.

He knew Chloe was upset about the case, about her brother, and Alec had enough good sense not to confront her about it. But this behavior would not be tolerated. Best to try to talk to her parents about it. They might hate his guts, but he hoped they would have the good sense to prevent her from pulling any other stunts.

Halfway to the Latimer house he was stopped by Beth Latimer herself. “Oi Sandshoes!”

“Beth?” Turning around at her voice he quickly attempted to school his features. Alec knew it had hit the Latimer family hard when Joe Miller was pronounced not guilty, and he knew that every family, every person, dealt with it in their own way. He’d been in the job long enough to see a wide range of reactions, but he wouldn’t have pegged Beth as someone to completely change her appearance. Going blonde maybe, but the new outfit was, well, eccentric was the kindest word he could come up with at the moment.

“Oh Beth.” Stopping in front of him she took a moment to contemplate before a smile graced her features. A genuine one the likes of which he had never seen. “Beth works. Can’t exactly pass as a John Smith anymore now can I? Right so I’m Beth, and you’re?” She’s giving him an expectant look and all Alec can think to do is supply his name again, for the second time that day.

“Alec Hardy.” His tone is even, trying to be careful around her obviously unstable mental state.

She scrunches her face as she thinks on it for a second before smiling again. “Not James McCrimmon? Well anyway, Alec Hardy, yeah, yeah I can see it. And Scottish again with that face. That takes me back that does.” She’s giggling at some memory he can’t fathom to imagine. “Good old Queen Vickie. Knighted and Banished on the same day. Sir Doctor of TARDIS, or I suppose is it Dame Doctor now? Oh did I mention last time I was a white haired Scotsman! Great fun that was, although those eyebrows.” She shudders before continuing. “Looked like two angry caterpillars had taken up residence on my face.”

“If this is a joke...” He leaves the rest of the sentence unsaid. He would understand Chloe wanting to set him up to look a fool, but if the whole family was in on it he was going to be livid.

“Course not. I wouldn’t joke about angry eyebrows.” Grabbing his sleeve she starts pulling him down the street towards The Traders. “Now come on, we’ve got an alien to track down.”

- _Meanwhile across town_ -

Beth Latimer is furious. She’ll never be over Danny’s death, but she at least felt that she had made some small bit of peace with it. That she could start to move on, to forgive her husband and love her new baby without feeling that she was somehow betraying Danny in the process.

All that had come crashing down around her when Joe Miller had been exonerated, and irrational as it was she needed to confront someone about it. Blame someone, anything to try to ease the simmering rage inside. Which is why she was tracking down Alec Hardy.

On her way to the station she came across him sprinting down the street. “Alec Hardy!”

At the sound of her voice he skidded to a stop. “Oh you changed your hair.” 

Beth barely gave what he said a second thought, too caught up in the fact that he was speaking in an Estuary accent. “Why are you talking like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like _that_! I thought you were Scottish.”

“Ah we doing that bit again.” He slipped into a Scottish brogue. “Scotland. That takes me back. Knighted and banished on the same day! Queen Vickie was not amused. Speaking of, we still owe Rose a tenner for that.” He threw her a wink. “Course can’t quite blame her with the werewolf and all.” After a beat, he gave her a manic grin. “Right then. If I’m Alec Hardy, that makes you?”

“Beth.” She arched an eyebrow at him. Was he having her on? “Beth Latimer.”

“Beth Latimer. Suppose that’ll work. Not like you could pull off John Smith anymore aye.” It’s as he’s standing there, a manic grin plastered over his face that Beth finally takes note of his appearance. He’s wearing a suit as usual except this one is blue with red pinstripes, and the battered red plimsouls stand out in stark contrast. He’s also shaved for a change.

“What’s going on?” The change in appearance is strange enough, but she’s never known Alec Hardy to be this carefree and giddy.

“I haven’t had much luck so far so thought I’d go look through some records, see if there’s anything unusual going on.”

“Records, like at the police station.”

“The police station, why didn’t I think of that!” He punctuates his thought by smacking his palm against his forehead.

Before he can sprint off again she stops him. “Police station is that way.” Beth points in opposite direction of where he was about to head. He’s finally cracked. That’s the only explanation Beth can think of. Alec Hardy has finally gone off his rocker.

“Right. Off we pop then!” Grabbing ahold of her arm he has them sprinting off in the correct direction this time. “Allons-y!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure exactly how long/how many chapters this is going to be, but it'll only run through the oncoming disaster squad figuring out and then dealing with the alien threat.

Becca Fisher has been lying low. The result of the trial has the entire town on edge. Emotions are running high, especially with the Latimer family, and she has no plans to be in the line of fire. Things were bad enough when the affair had come to light during the investigation, she had no idea how the Latimers would react to seeing her right now. Which is why her heart dropped as she saw none other than DI Alec Hardy being dragged by a very blonde Beth Latimer through her doors.

Putting on her most disarming smile Becca starts her own version of damage control. “Beth, Detective, what I can help you with today?” She braces herself for the coming onslaught of vitriol.

“Detective?” Beth gives Alec a conspiratorial smile. “Right the detective and I need to have a quick look around. Nothing to worry about, just routine police business, we’ll be in and out before you know it.” She grabs a strange laser pointer type device out of her coat and with a flick of her finger lights up the tip of it. Becca watches as she waves it around moving down the hallway.

Becca pulls her gaze from Beth back to Alec, who looks just as shocked as she does. Not wanting to alert Beth she mouths ‘What the Hell?’ Catching on Alec quickly mouths back ‘I don’t know!’

“Well come on then Sandshoes!” Beth’s finished whatever it is she’s been doing and is waving Alec over to her.

“Sandshoes?” Becca quirks an eyebrow at the detective.

“Don’t ask.” Alec grumbles out before following after her.

“Shit.” It only takes Becca a few seconds before deciding to tag along to see what kind of destruction Beth is planning to wreak on her hotel. Memories of a destroyed bar quickly resurfacing. “Beth wait!”

It’s not until Hardy draws her attention that Beth turns around. “Oh right, Beth, that’s me, sorry.”

“Don’t you think you should be with your family right now?” At the confused look she gives her Becca continues. “You know, considering the circumstances.”

“Nah.” Beth gives her a grin while absentmindedly twirling her strange laser pointer. “My Fam’s back in Sheffield.”

“Sheffield?”

“Y’know, taking care of their domestics. Not big on domestics me.” She elbows Alec in the side. “It’s why I’ve got sandsh-the detective here. Who better to help me out than well, another me.”

“You and Hardy, what?” Alec is looking as confused as Becca feels.

“Oh he’s like my brother from another mother this one.” She reaches up to affectionately ruffle his hair. “My handy spare hand.” Alec’s mouth hangs open in shock, shoulders hunched at the unexpected physical contact.

Becca chokes down a laugh at the look on Alec’s face, relieved that Beth has moved on before she notices her reaction. Alec is still frozen to the spot. “Handy spare hand?” She knows things are tense with the outcome of the trial, but she can’t help but revel in the absurdity of the current situation.

“Don’t.” Her comment seems to have snapped him out of his stupor. “Just don’t.”

Becca looks around him to see Beth whirring her laser pointer at different doors, distracted enough not to take notice of a whispered conversation. “Is she alright?”

“Probably some kind of psychotic break. Stress from the trial” Alec glances over his shoulder, a pained look on his face as he watches Beth. “I’m trying to keep an eye on her.”

\- _Meanwhile_ -

Ellie Miller has been pacing outside the police station for a few minutes now. She can’t help but hold herself to blame. If only she had been able to rein in her temper, to be less emotional, more removed, she might not have cocked everything up. From her attack on Joe rendering his confession inadmissible to her emotional display on the stand she wished she could have done better.

It was futile really, delaying going in, but she needed to do better now, be more in control, and falling apart in the middle of her place of work was not the way she wanted to go about her job. She could barely even get the courage to see Beth.

Beth who is furious with Alec Hardy. 

Beth who is currently being dragged behind a sprinting Alec Hardy right towards her. When they don’t stop Ellie throws caution to the wind to follow after them inside. She’s not sure exactly what she can do, but avoiding a screaming match in the middle of the police station would be optimal.

She’s able to catch the door before it slams shut behind them and come up next to Beth as they pause.

“Detective Inspector.” One of her colleagues greets Hardy in passing, and a second later nods in her direction. “Miller.”

“Detective inspector, right.” He almost sounds surprised when he says it, his hand coming up to ruffle the hair at the back of his head.

“Beth, Hardy, what are you doing here?” It’s not that she wouldn’t expect Hardy to be at the station, its that he’s dragging Beth behind him that’s troubling her.

“Well you know, place to be, for a detective inspector, a police station, full of, well, police personnel.” He’s stalling. Ellie can suss out that much.

“Oh thank god Ellie.” Beth grips her forearm with her free hand.

A thought occurs to Ellie as she stares at Alec’s hold on Beth’s other arm. “Is she under arrest?” Taking her wrist out of Beth’s grip she smacks Alec’s shoulder. “Did you arrest Beth?!”

“Ow!” He drops Beth’s arm and rubs his shoulder. “Of course not! Beth here is helping me with an investigation.” 

“Sandbrook?” It’s the only investigation she knows him to be working on at the moment.

“Erm… yes?”

“Beth? Really? And you didn’t think to consult me on this? I thought we were working together?” Ellie is fuming.

“Right! Yes! Of course we are!” A manic grin spreads across his face. “You and me! Two capable detectives working together to solve the sand book-”

“Sandbrook.” Ellie interjects, suspicious at his slip up.

“That’s what I said.” Moving between the two women he places an arm around each of their shoulders, ushering them further into the station. “And Beth here is going to be helping us crack the case. But first I need to get a look at a computer.” Extricating himself he gives Ellie another grin before waving her forward. “Lead the way Miller.” 

“Erm, right.” Ellie is moving on autopilot towards Alec’s office, distracted by the way he said her name. There were many different ways she had heard Hardy utter her name, in aggravation, sympathy, urgency, but never jovial.

They’ve barely made it through the door before he’s bounding over to the desk. “What the hell is that?” Ellie glances over to see Beth staring at the strange blue tipped LED flashlight in his hand.

“Oi! Don’t knock a classic!” He points it in Beth’s direction, wagging it in her face. “Some of us don’t need fancy new Sheffield steel to get the job done I’ll have you know.” Just as quickly he’s turned back to the computer, pointing his device at the screen. It makes a whirring noise and then he’s practically attacking the keyboard, mumbling to himself.

As Beth backs away she knocks a thick file to the ground. Alec’s eyes glance down before a wide smile spans his face. Quickly picking it up he triumphantly holds out a picture of Claire Ripley. “Well I think we’ve got ourselves a lead.”

\- _Across Town_ \- 

The domestic approach. It’s what the Doctor(s) always appreciated about her. Oftentimes they were so wrapped up in looking at the big picture they didn’t stop to consider the smaller details, the human element as it were. Broadchurch seems to be a small, tight knit community. One of those little towns where everyone knows everyone and gossip spreads like wildfire. Which is why Rose is checking out the community center.

From her perusal she sees a man with sandy blonde hair passing out a few flyers. On closer inspection she notices his outfit. A reverend. Town this small he’d be a community leader, someone who would know what was going on.

Rose casually siddles up to him, noting his haggard appearance. Obviously there was something on his mind. “You alright mate?”

He glances her way, giving her a small, sad smile. “Been better.”

Rose gently places a hand on his arm. “You know my mum always says there’s nothing like a good cuppa to help with a bad day. Looks like you could use one.” With a comforting smile she tilts her head towards the door.

“Y’know, I think I could use a bit of a break, miss?”

“Rose.” She loops her arm through his, leading him towards the door. She saw a cafe just down the block. 

“I’m Paul.”

“Well come on then Paul, cuppa’s on me.” She gives him her tongue touched smile. She may need information on the alien threat, but he certainly looked like he needed some comfort, and Rose was not about to abandon someone in need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've moved the timeline of the Sandbrook investigation a bit. Alec is just about ready to kick Claire out to put pressure on her but it hasn't happened yet so that I could fit in a Gwen/Claire mistaken identity.


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh that is disgusting.” Becca tries not to gag as she watches Beth in the garden.

“Well how else am I supposed to check for alien contaminants in the area?” There is still dirt on her chin from where she had stuck a clod in her mouth. “Want to have a go?” She holds out a handful to Alec who quickly steps back, hands held up between them.

“No, no, i’ll, uh, trust your judgement.” He looks slightly panicked. Clearly not thrilled about the idea of having to literally eat dirt.

“You sure?” Beth extends her arm further, grinning at him.

“Probably not a good idea.” Becca is doing her best to come to Alec’s rescue. “I mean with his heart surgery and all.”

“Heart surgery?” Beth raises an eyebrow.

Alec makes a face, not too keen on divulging personal information, but not seeing a way out of it now. “Had a pacemaker put in a little while ago.” He grumbles, arms crossed over his chest. It wasn’t something he thought was appropriate to trouble the Latimer’s with, or was any of their business to know anyway. 

“Seriously?” Beth Scoffs, shaking her head. “Only having the one’s bad enough but don’t tell me you got stuck with rightie! That one was always a bit faulty after the lightning strike in New York. You Remember New York don’t you? The original New York. Just the one New, not the New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York we took Rose to.”

“That’s erm.” Becca clears her throat. “That’s a lot of ‘News’.”

“Fifteen! Quite a mouthful, that’s why they just called it New New York.”

“Never been to New York.” Alec grunts out.

“Right.” Beth grins at him. “Alec Hardy’s never been to New York, first or fifteenth.” She ends with a conspiratorial wink. “Never seen the cats in nuns habits running human experiments either eh.”

“God’s sake.” He mutters under his breath, eyes turned upwards. As though if he took his gaze off of the loon in front of him somehow this nightmare would end.

\- _Meanwhile on the way to the Cottage_ -

Ellie’s driven Alec around plenty of times, especially since his medical condition barred him from being able to drive himself. All those times he’s mostly slumped back into the seat for the ride. There might be an occasional tapping of fingers on his leg or the door if he’s anxious, but otherwise he’s not moving much.

Today though, as they drive towards the cottage to see Claire Ripley, Alec in the front seat and Beth seated in the back because he insisted she come along for some god forsaken reason, Ellie is about ready to pull the car over and give him a tongue lashing. He’s worse than a toddler, especially considering you could at least strap a toddler into a car seat and know they couldn’t reach anything.

Fingers are drumming on every surface, knees are bouncing, feet tapping. He’s fiddling with anything within arms reach, which given his lanky build is practically everything. When Ellie’s finally batted his hands away from continually changing the radio station ‘ _With just a bit of jiggery pokery I can upgrade it to pick up signals from Mars_.’ he pulls out that led flashlight of his and keeps messing with it. The constant whirring is setting her teeth on edge, and it’s lucky for him she has to keep her hands on the wheel because otherwise she would be throttling him.

Trying to go for a distraction she un-grits her teeth enough to attempt to start a conversation. “How’s the heart?”

“What?” He glances at her briefly before returning his attention to the current bane of Ellie’s existence.

“Your heart.” Beth prompts him, sensing that Ellie is 0.5 seconds away from flipping her lid.

This time he pockets his device, turning to give Beth an icy glare. “Oh Right.” He’s sneering at her. “Rub it in why don’t ya.”

“I was just-” Beth is cut off before she can defend herself.

“Poor little metacrisis only got the one heart. No more binary vascular system. Well I’ll have you know I kept leftie so don’t you go pitying me!” The car jerks to a stop as Ellie pulls up the drive.

“Now Listen here mister!” If he’s going to act like a petulant child then Ellie Miller, Detective Sergeant and single mother of two is going to treat him like one. “I don’t give a fuck what kind of mid life crisis you’re having but that does not give you the right to speak to Beth that way.”

He’s backed up against the door, cowering in fear as Ellie leans in, finger in his face. “I have had a hell of a day and I am not going to be putting up with any of your shit.” He looks rightly terrified of her as she pokes him hard in the shoulder. “Now say sorry.” She punctuates each word with another hard poke.

“I’m sorry.” She has never heard Alec Hardy squeak before.

“Not to me.” If looks could kill he’d be dead a hundred times over. “To her.”

He shifts slightly until Beth is in his line of sight. “I’m sorry.” His voice only slightly below a squeak now.

Ellie gives him one last glare before storming out of the car and slamming the door. “Arsehole!”

\- _Meanwhile at the Cafe_ -

Rose has settled into one of the two large comfy arm chairs flanking a small table. She’s letting Paul relax a bit as he sips his cuppa. After a few moments he places it on the table and gives her a smile. “New in town?”

“Just passing through.” The look he gives her is odd, guarded.

“Just passing through Broadchurch.” She can see him visibly tense. “You the press?

“Why? There something going on?”

“The trial?” When she doesn’t respond he presses on. “Seriously? You haven’t heard about the trial?”

“Nope.” She pops the p for emphasis.

“Blimey you must have been living under a rock.” He collapses back into his seat.

“You know if my friends were here, they could probably give you a lecture on the benefits of living under rocks.” She watches his lips quirk slightly at the corners. “Seriously. You get them started on one thing and they’ll go on about it for hours.”

“Well what else would your friends say.” He’s got that small smile back now.

“They’d say there’s nothing like a good infusion of free radicals and tannins to help the synapsys get firing again.”

“What?” She’s seen the look he’s giving her before. It’s the same one she’s given the Doctor(s) on more than one occasion

Grinning over the rim of her mug she looks down at where his stands on the table. “Tea. Good for the brain.”

He’s giving a genuine smile now. “You’re friends sound interesting.”

“Well that’s one way of putting it.” If only he knew the half of it.

“You here by yourself?”

“Nah.” Rose shakes her head. “Came here with my friends, they’re around town somewhere.”

“And what are your interesting friends up to.”

Rose shrugs. “Probably licking things and eating dirt.”

Paul chokes on his tea. “You can’t be serious.”

Rose lets out a hum. “You’d be surprised.” She grins at him again. “Seriously. I’ve watched them do it.” She waits a beat before leaning closer to him. “And they have the audacity to complain about my mum’s cooking.”

Paul clasps his hand over his mouth, trying to smother the laughter coming out. “Well to be fair she’s a bit of a rubbish cook. And it’s a tough call, but I’d still rather eat her shepards pie over dirt.”

It takes him a few minutes before he can finally speak. “Rose that is the hardest I’ve laughed in months.” 

“Must’ve been some rough months.”

“Well you know, or I suppose you don’t know.” With a sigh he glances back at Rose, searching her face for any hint of ulterior motives. He’s learned to be on guard with the press swarming daily since news first broke all those months ago. “There was a murder awhile back. Local boy. Really hit the town hard, and the trial just concluded today. The killer got off.” It’s nothing the press wouldn’t already know anyway.

Rose reaches over to gently squeeze his hand. “M’sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.” After a beat he squeezes her hand back before letting go. “If you’re not the press, what are you in town for?”

“Would you believe me if I said I was looking for an alien?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's probably going to be maybe one or two more chapters after this depending on how long it gets.
> 
> Actor Jonathon Bailey who plays Olly Stevens in Broadchurch also played Psi, an augmented human, in the Season 8 Doctor Who episode Time Heist, in which he helps the Doctor and Clara rob a bank.

Olly Stevens just can’t leave bloody well alone now can he. “Want to comment on the blonde woman I saw you snogging early today?” Alec takes a deep breath, fists clenched at his side, trying to remember the reasons why it’s unacceptable to deck a journalist. Unable to come up with any on the spot he settles for not punching Miller’s nephew because she’s had a shit day.

He’s saved from having to answer by Beth nearly tackling the little shite to the ground in her exuberance. The stunned reporter can only stand there while Beth rambles. He tunes out most of the conversation, choosing instead to rub at his temples in an attempt to alleviate the building headache from having to deal with this shite all day.

“Robbing that bank was such a blast!” 

That violently brings Alec’s attention back to the present. “What?”

“We robbed a bank together.” Beth is smiling up at him. Him. The local DI. Hard Ass Hardy.

“You robbed a bank?” He must be hearing this wrong.

“Oh you would have loved it.” He’s at a loss for what to do. Is she confessing to a crime? Does he need to read her her rights?

“Hardy I swear I had nothing to do with robbing a bank.” Olly is scrambling.

“Don’t sell yourself short!” Beth affectionately pats his cheek. “It was a true team effort.”

“Oh was it?” Beth might be having some sort of emotional breakdown, but he was still a detective. Add to that Olly being a real pain in his arse and it seems like a grand idea to treat this like a real interrogation. “A real team effort.”

“Oh yeah. Big bank, huge bank, massive, big, big, ginormous bank. Biggest bank in the universe. Karabraxus.”

“Karabraxus?” He’d have to make a note to look it up later

“And we never would have made it if it weren’t for your hacking skills.” She grinning up at Olly again.

“Hacking skills is it?” It’s not hard to miss how much time Olly Stevens spends glued to a screen.

“I swear Hardy I have no idea what she’s talking about.” Olly is slowly backing up.

“Don’t be modest now.” Beth leans into Hardy. “You know someone’s a good hacker when they’ve been sent to prison for it.”

“I’d imagine someone would have to be a pretty proficient hacker to be able to hack a bank security system.” He has his eyes glued to Olly, who is looking shiftier by the second.

“You know we only take the best.” Beth wraps an arm around Olly’s waist, bringing him in snug against her. “And he’s the best hacker out there.”

“Well then Beth. Why don’t you tell me all about how Olly here hacked a bank.” He watches all the color drain from the young man’s face.

\- _Meanwhile at the Cottage_ -

When Claire Ripley heard that Alec Hardy and Ellie Miller were coming over to see her the last thing she expected them to do was bring Beth Latimer with them. Except that’s not quite right. The very last thing she would have expected was Alec Hardy pulling her into a corner with Beth to babble about aliens while Ellie and Lee stare at them from across the room.

“I’m assuming Jack filled you in on the whole two of us bit.” When Claire shakes her head he continues. “Right, so, remember the hand he had in the jar? The handy spare hand. My handy spare hand actually. Well during the Dalek invasion one of them shot me, us, me?” He’s motioning between himself and Beth. “Never really covered the proper use of pronouns for someone in our situation. Well I’m sure there are some, but probably not in English and High Gallifreyan is just so stuffy.” He shrugs before continuing. “Anyway _we_ , were shot by a Dalek, and didn’t want to fully regenerate. Which can you blame us? Look at this face. It’s a great face! After using the energy to heal ourself, just the one body at the time, we siphoned it off into the handy spare hand. Later Donna touches it and WHAM!” He exclaims loud enough to startle everyone in the room. “Instantaneous Biological Metacrisis. I grew out of the hand.” He holds up his right hand, wiggling the fingers while pointing to it with his left. “This hand here. I’m the handy spare hand. Same Doctor, just with a few...” He scrunches his face in disgust. “Human bits. At least I got to keep the second stomach.” 

“Right.” She’s not sure what the hell is going on, but Claire needs him to stop talking.

“Brilliant ain’t it!” He’s wearing a manic grin she finds disconcerting. “Never been another like me! Completely unique in the multiverse I am!”

“I bet you are.” 

“Now I appreciate all of Torchwood’s help of course, but we can take it from here.” He moved over to Lee Ashworth. “Because if she’s here with you that can only mean one thing. One very important thing, that you have picked the wrong town to invade because you see they call me the Oncoming Storm, the Destroyer of Worlds-” Lee interrupts him by trying to throw a punch which he catches easily. “Wait a tick.” Before anyone else can react he’s brought Lee’s fist to his mouth to give it a lick. “But you’re completely human.” He looks perplexed at said revelation. “Well when I say completely human, I mean you’re over ninety nine percent homo sapien sapien, with just a wee dash of neanderthal. Which is to be expected from someone of your heritage.” He smacks his lips for a couple seconds more. “Might want to get your cholesterol checked though.” 

“He just licked me.” Lee looks to everyone else in the room, looking for confirmation that he didn’t just hallucinate Alec Hardy licking his hand.

“Fastest way to analyze your chemical, and genetic composition.” He leaps onto the couch, holding his blue tipped, whirring flashlight in the air. “Well when I say fastest, I mean there are others, but those are on the TARDIS, and anyway by the time we got back there we could have lost the trail. Still good a way as any to check you’re species. I wasn’t joking about your cholesterol.” He wags his finger at Lee “Silent killer that is.”

“Oh my god it’s drugs.” Ellie murmurs out as she watches the madness in front of her. “He’s got to be on drugs.” There’s no other possible explanation she can fathom at the moment as to why Detective Inspector Alec ‘Shit-Face Hard Ass’ Hardy would be licking Lee Ashworth and spouting off nonsense like that.

The anxious energy, talking a mile a minute, fidgeting. Had to be some serious uppers. Crack maybe? Probably some of those new designer drugs the kids were getting their hands on these days. She’d hoped they hadn’t made it to Broadchurch, but it looks like he was proving her wrong.

\- _Meanwhile Back at the Community Center_ -

Paul’s not sure he completely believes Rose about an alien in Broadchurch, but she genuinely seems to want to help the people here. Although filling her in on what’s been happening with the town has been difficult, her focus on the strange and unexplained as opposed to analyzing every aspect of Danny’s death is refreshing. Her quips and stories about her friends and other aliens she says she has encountered prove a welcome distraction.

“Who are those people?” Rose scans the pictures on the page of the old newspaper Paul had pulled out.

“That’s the Latimer family. It was their boy, Danny who was killed.”

“No but who’s that?” Rose points to the woman.

“Beth, she’s Danny’s mum.”

“And him?” Rose points to a smaller picture of two detectives.

“That’s the DI who solved the case. Alec Hardy.”

Rose looks between the two face, anxiety starting to bubble up. “And these two, they’ve been here awhile right?”

“Well yeah I mean-”

“They didn’t just show up randomly?”

“No! No, Beth and her family have been here for years. Their kids have grown up here. And Hardy showed up shortly before Danny’s murder. Before that he was working a case in Sandbrook.”

“Oh shit.” Rose places her face in her hands

“What?”

Her hands move to run through her hair as she glances at him out of the corner of her eye. “I think I snogged your DI today.”

“What?!”

“I mean it was an accident.”

“How do you accidentally snog DI Hardy?”

“I’m gonna show you something.” Rose pulls out her phone, quickly pulling up a selfie she had taken with both the Doctors shortly before they came to Broadchurch. They’re on either side of her with wide smiles, the three of them dressed up in ridiculous, even for them, dinosaur themed outfits for a Jurassic Park movie marathon. Rose hands her phone to Paul. “These are my friends.”

“Oh.” Paul is inspecting the picture, glancing repeatedly between it and the newspaper. After a few seconds he’s flipping through the rest of the pictures from that evening, which only grow more ridiculous. She knows he’s found the video when she hears the sound of her giggling and the Doctors going into a diatribe about how the sound effects for the dinosaurs weren’t accurate, and then attempting to demonstrate the ‘correct’ noises each different species of dinosaur made. “Wow. Just. Um. Wow. I mean I had my doubts at first but that video-”

“Yep.”

“They may look like Hardy and Beth, but that is definitely not them.” He hands her the phone back. “Wait so does that mean when you snogged Hardy it was because you thought he was him. As in you and him?” He found it difficult to believe that this charming, beautiful, young woman would be with the man in the video who’s flirting involved ‘the mating calls of the brachiosaurus’.

“Listen Paul.” Rose pockets her phone. “I know they’re idiots. But. They’re my idiots.” She lets out a sigh. “My very brilliant, very clever, alien idiots.”

"I’m not here to judge, Wait.” Paul takes a beat. “Did you say alien idiots?”

“Yep. Although the lanky one, he’s more like half, kinda, more than half he keeps telling me. Grew out of the other one’s hand.”

“He what?”

“Long story.” Rose begins to clear up the newspapers.

“Are you an alien?” Paul looks a bit skittish as he asks.

“Nah. I’m human, born in London.” Rose takes note of Paul relaxing a bit. He’s taking it all in stride, better than most.

“You really weren’t kidding about the alien thing where you?” Paul lets out a chuckle.

“My friends and I, we go around helping people. All through space.” Rose has broken the alien thing to him, she doesn’t feel the need to further blow his mind with time travel. “And we think there might be an alien here in broadchurch. One that’s not so friendly.”

“Oh.” Realization dawns on him. “Well then, what can I do to help?”

Rose flashes him a smile. She knows she’s got him as an ally now. Not that she was too worried. Paul seemed to care deeply about this community and wouldn’t want to see any harm come to them. “Anyone acting strange? I know it’s a difficult time and all, but I’m talking about truly unusual and out of character. Might not be reacting to the events the way you would expect. Detached, or too attached.”

“Not that I can think of off the top of my head. But you know there has been quite a bit of press as you can imagine. They did quite a bit of reporting on the street. Maybe if we look through some of the videos we can spot something.” Paul guides her over to a computer so he can begin pulling up footage.

It takes a while before Rose has him pause the current video. “There.” She points at a woman walking down the street.

“What about her?”

“About a minute earlier the same woman walked by exact same everything except with different clothes. And this one is trying to keep to the shadows.” Paul rewinds the video and plays it again. Noticing what Rose had pointed out. “Looks like you’ve got yourselves a shape shifter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When it comes to pairings, other than the canon Broadchurch ones, Tentoo/Rose is the only confirmed one for this fic. When it comes to Thirteen for now I'm leaving it up to the reader's interpretation whether she's single, or it's Tentoo/Rose/Thirteen, or Thirteen/Yaz, or it's all one big happy polyamorous group. Whatever makes you happy :-)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to have the next chapter out sometime this week, but as I'm going back to work tomorrow after my break it might take a few days

Alec doesn’t necessarily believe that Olly Stevens has robbed a bank. Honestly even with Beth talking about it in the midst of what seems to be a mental breakdown having close to no credibility, he just doesn’t seem the type. Oh he’s a sneaky little bastard when it comes to getting stories out, but it takes a certain level of courage to go through with something like that, that Alec just does not see in him.

Still

“You know Beth, I have noticed how much time our Olly here spends glued to his phone or a computer.” It’s much more fun to let the little shite think he believes everything Beth is saying.

“Oh you could say he’s practically part computer himself.” Beth winks up at him. “Augmented human as it were.”

“Hardy please.” Olly is practically cowering. “You know I wouldn’t rob a bank, or hack into things or anything.”

“Do I Olly? Do I know that?” He’s done a bang up job of keeping his face hard, hiding any amusement he finds in this situation. “If this town has taught me anything, it’s that people are capable of anything. And you, you seem pretty capable.”

“It was a hard sell y’know, but all it took was the right reward and he was all in. I mean you’d have to be in order to agree to rob Karabraxus.” Beth is still excitedly praising the young man’s alleged criminal skills.

“And we all know how determined our Olly here gets when he wants something. Don’t we Olly?” His interrogation is interrupted by the chirping of a phone.

“Oh come on. I know it’s in here somewhere.” Beth has her arm impossibly up to her elbow deep in the pocket of her coat. “Come on. Come on. Aha!” She whips her phone out to check the screen. “Rose says to meet her at the church. Well come on then!”

Olly attempts to scoot away while Beth is distracted, only to be stopped by Alec grabbing onto him. “Oh no you don’t. You’re coming with us.” 

\-  _ Meanwhile at the Cottage _ -

Ellie watches as Alec completes his walk through the living room, his led flashlight whirring the entire time. Finally after a complete circuit he scrunches his face as he stares at the device. “Well isn’t that just wizard.”

“What do we do?” Claire whispers to her, watching the detective. “He’s completely mad.”

“If it’s drugs we just have to wait for them to wear off.” Beth supplies.

Lee’s sitting in a chair looking at his hand in disbelief. His interactions with Alec have always been tense, but he’s never been licked. And there certainly hasn’t been a concern about his wellbeing, especially something as personal as his cholesterol levels.

Ellie’s attention is again drawn to her partner as he paces the length of the room, hands clenched in his own hair muttering the word ‘think’ over and over again. A loud chirping noise breaks his mantra. “Hold on a tick.” Everyone in the room watches in amazement as he digs into his trouser pockets, hands going much farther than seems physically possible. There is no logical explanation for how he could possibly fit the assortment of items he pulls out of his pockets into them. Which include, a ball of twine, three bananas, a jar of marmalade, a mouse trap, another jar of marmalade, and finally his phone. “Rose texted. Looks like we need to head to the church.”

The items are all stuffed back into his pockets, except for the jar of marmalade, which he opens and sticks a finger into, and then proceeds to stick in his mouth.

Ellie clears her throat to get his attention. “Sir?”

“Right. Sorry.” After screwing the lid back on he nods in Claire’s direction. “Tell the captain the Doctors say hello.” Then he’s heading out to the car. “Allons-y!”

\-  _ Meanwhile at the Church _ -

Rose sits in the passenger seat of Paul’s car as he drives her to his church. It’s as good a place as any to start up the search. Secluded. Both for her and any aliens that might be milling about. The shapeshifter in the video was keeping to the shadows, and Rose would imagine it would want to stay out of the way. The problem for shapeshifters of course being if they encountered anyone who knew the person who’s form they had taken.

Which of course brought Rose’s thoughts to her Doctors, and the human dopplegangers. She hoped they hadn’t caused the poor, frazzled people of this town too much trouble. With everything Paul had been telling her they had all been through quite enough all ready. 

“We’re here.” Paul parks towards the back of the church. “There’s something you should know Rose.”

Rose pauses. “Well go on.”

Paul takes a deep breath, hands clenched on the wheel. “The killer. Joe. I went to see him while he was in prison. Counseled him about taking accountability. And the thing is.” She sees him wince. “He’s here at the church. Asked me to help him come back-”

Rose places a hand on his arm. “S’okay.” She can tell he’s trying to explain himself. Justify to her why Joe is here. “M’ just here for the alien.”

“Right.” He gives her a tight smile before following her out of the car. 

They part ways almost as soon as they enter the church. Paul to find Joe, and Rose to look around. It’s nice as far as churches go. Her mum was never very religious, and after meeting the Doctor, well, Rose had a hard time believing that any one religion could be greater than the others.

“Excuse me miss.” Rose turned to see a young man approaching her. “Are you from around here?” He looked nice enough but something put her on edge. “I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the trial.”

“Sorry mate. I’m just passing through. Don’t know about the trial.” Rose puts on her most disarming smile as he approaches. She holds her ground when he steps into her personal space.

“Sure I can’t ask just a couple questions.” 

Rose’s hand slides behind her back, reaching into one of the bigger on the inside pockets the Doctors helped create for her. “You’re not going to take no for an answer are you?”

“Just one question.” She sees his face begin to transform, mouth opening and teeth sharpening. In a split second she has a taser pushed to his ribs and he’s down.

“Gotcha.” A pair of torchwood issue cuffs are whipped out and she restrains his hands behind his back. “Now I just need to find Paul.”

Finding the reverend wasn’t too difficult when she heard the commotion coming from the back.

“Ellie stop.” Paul is trying to reason with the other shapeshifter, who is advancing on him.

“That’s not Ellie.” The creature turns, eyes red, mouth open wide to expose sharpened teeth. “Nice smile.” As soon as she takes a step towards Rose the taser is once again brought into action. It takes a bit longer to take effect, but this one goes down just like the last.

“Oh god.”

“Deep breaths Paul.” Rose produces another pair of cuffs and quickly takes care of the alien at her feet.

“Are there more?” He’s holding it together as best he can.

“I took care of the other one.” Rose pops back up. “Male and female. Probably hunt in pairs. Should just be the two.” She reaches out to gently rub Paul’s arm. “You alright?”

“Oh god that’s an alien.”

“Yeah.” Rose gives him a reassuring smile. “S’okay. They can’t hurt you.”

“I just need a minute.” He moves to the other side of the room before stopping dead in his tracks. “Oh my god they ate Joe!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering 'Gee Bonnie, did you purposefully set this right after Joe Miller is exonerated and chose a predatory alien species just so that he can get eaten by aliens?' I'd say the end of the second season of Broadchurch would be much improved if Joe Miller was eaten by aliens.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending was getting long enough that I split it into two parts. There should be one more chapter and then maybe an epilogue

Before Rose had devoted all her time and energy to the dimension cannon project, she had been a full Torchwood agent. Part of that was knowing how to handle situations and clean up messes. She makes sure the aliens are restrained fully. No way she’s going to let them harm anyone else in the community now that she’s aware they have no qualms about eating humans. Cleaning up the remains of child murderer Joe Miller is going to take a bit more work, but that can wait.

Paul is, well, he’s as good as can be expected of someone who in the course of one day has learned that the man responsible for a local child’s death has gotten off, been confronted with the violent revelation that aliens exist, and then stumbled upon the half eaten remains of said man in his church.

“This should help a bit.” Rose hands him a fresh cuppa as she takes a seat next to him on the pew. “I know it’s a shock, but you need to know you’re gonna be okay.” He nods mutely. “They’re not gonna be able to hurt anyone else. My friends and I, we’ll take em somewhere else. Somewhere they can’t ever come back.”

“They ate Joe.”

“M’sorry about that.” She soothingly rubs his shoulder.

“I should feel bad right?” He turns to look at her for the first time since she’s come back out. “Whatever he did, he was a human being. I should feel bad that he was eaten by aliens.”

Rose just shrugs. “I’ve been doing this awhile, and I think whatever you’re feeling is what you’re supposed to be feeling. You said he killed Danny. He just escaped justice. And listen, I’m not saying that anyone deserves to be eaten by aliens. But. I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way. You’re only human after all.” She finishes with a comforting smile.

“Which is apparently optional.” He lets out a chuckle at the absurdity of the situation.

‘You are human right?” She teases him lightly.

“As human as you.” He teases back. “Speaking of your friends, when are they getting here?”

As if on queue a door bangs open and they turn to see the Doctor in pinstripes rushing in, sonic raised, followed by Ellie Miller and Beth Latimer. Rose stands up and flashes him a smile. “Bit late you are.”

“Well I wouldn’t have been if she had driven faster!” He arches an eyebrow at Miller who huffs in response.

“I was following the speed limit!” She’s obviously on her last nerve after having to deal with one of the Doctors all day.

Rose gives him The Look, causing him to tuck his chin and rock back on his heels. “That was rude, wasn’t it?”

“Just a bit yeah.” Rose watches him wince, hands shoved into his pockets. “Well lucky for you I already took care of them.”

A wide grin splits his face. “Oh Rose Tyler you are brilliant.” In a few long strides he’s pulled her into his arms for a quick snog. “My tumultuous beasty.”

Of all the strange and unusual things Ellie has had to witness today, the scene in front of her is by far the most disturbing. Her boss’s, Alec Hard Ass Hardy’s sex life is not something she wants to think about, let alone see for herself. “Oh my god.” She can’t help the outburst when she notices his wandering hands. Beth for her part looks equally as disturbed.

Rose lets out a giggle. “What’s with the Scottish accent?”

“ _ Beth _ , and I are using aliases to go undercover.” He gives Beth a wink at this.

“What?” Beth looks between him and Ellie in confusion.

Rose looks pointedly at Beth. “That is Beth Latimer.”

“Oh good she filled you in too!” He still isn’t getting it.

“No. No. Doctor.” Rose shakes her head, letting out a laugh. “That’s not the other Doctor. She really is Beth Latimer. Fully human as far as I know.”

He slowly turns his head to look her up and down. “But, but.” He’s back in his Estuary accent now. “She knew me. She called me Alec Hardy.”

“That would be because there’s an actual Alec Hardy who looks like you.”

“He’s not Hardy?” Ellie interjects.

“Nope.” Rose pops the p for emphasis. “This is the Doctor. Well, one of them anyway.”

“Oh Thank God!” Ellie sits down on the closest pew. “I thought he was on drugs.”

“You said human.” Beth has come closer, giving the pinstriped Doctor a wary look. “You said I was fully human. That means whoever he thought I was isn’t.”

Normally Rose wouldn’t go into the details with civilians, but after whatever mayhem she’s sure he’s put them through, they’re owed an explanation. She breaks their embrace to talk to Beth, still keeping one arm tucked around his waist. “Yeah. She’s fully alien, and this one.” Rose bumps his hip with hers. “He’s only part alien.”

“Oi!” The pinstriped Doctor gives her an affronted look. “Don’t go lumping me in with your lot! I’m mostly alien! If anything I’m part human, not even half. More like twenty seven point three eight four percent if we’re rounding.” His mouth clicks shut at the look on Rose’s face. “I was being rude again wasn’t I?”

“Like you haven’t been this entire time!” Beth is glowering at him.

“Sorry about that.” Rose pats his chest. “We’re working on it.” She looks up at him, arching an eyebrow. “Aren’t we Doctor?”

“Right. Yes. Erm.” He has the good grace to look a bit ashamed. “Sorry.” His free hand comes up to tug at his ear.

“He really does look like Hardy.” Paul comes up beside Ellie, looking the pinstriped Doctor up and down. “The resemblance is uncanny.”

“Bit of a mix up there, but hello! I’m the Doctor!” The pinstriped Doctor holds out his hand.

“Paul.” He takes the offered hand and shakes it. “Rose has told me quite a bit about you.”

“Paul helped me with the aliens.”

“What did they turn out to be?” The pinstriped Doctor is grinning at the both of them.

“Why don’t you go take a look. They’re in the back.” Rose smiled up at him

“I can um, show you.” Paul isn’t thrilled at the idea of being in the same room as them, but it’s his church, and if Rose trusts this man, this alien, he will too.

With Paul taking the pinstriped Doctor to the back Rose turns her attention to Ellie and Beth. “Sorry about all of this.” She’s not sure exactly what he’s put them through, but feels the need to apologize none the less.

Before they can respond the Doctor in rainbows comes barreling through the open door, the real Alec Hardy in tow, who’s dragging Olly Stevens behind him.

“Rose!” She sprints forward to wrap her up in a hug. “Sorry we’re a bit late, I ran into an old friend. He helped me to rob a bank!”

“I didn’t.” Olly stammers out.

“Mm, Doctor. I think you might have him confused with someone else.” Rose shoots the poor man a smile.

“I thought you said the other one was the Doctor?” Ellie asks. Beth is staring in confusion at the woman who looks like a blonde version of her.

“We’re both the Doctor. Long story, but he,” She points at Alec Hardy who is looking between her and Beth in confusion, “grew out of my hand. My handy spare hand. Lost it in a battle to the Sycorax back when I was wearing that face.”

“Doctor.” Rose gently brings her attention back around. “That’s Alec Hardy. The actual fully human Alec Hardy that lives here. Not the other Doctor.”

“Oh…” 

“Well if it isn’t my favorite trio of space time travelers.” A voice booms from the front of the church in an American accent.

The man turns to Alec, a flirtatious smile on his face. “You’re looking good.” He pulls Alec in for a hard kiss. “Loving the scruff Doctor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a surprise Captain Jack Harkness to give our little grumbley goose detective some more love.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!  
> Between having to do adult things and trying to figure out how I wanted this to go down with 8 characters together this took me a bit. I'm still not 100% happy with it and I know that I gave a lot of the time and dialogue to Rose, Jack, Tentoo, and Thirteen, but I'm planning on doing an epilogue sometime here in the nearish future for the fallout of the citizens of Broadchurch.
> 
> The alien species I took from an episode of Torchwood.
> 
> As a disclosure I am American, and I wound up googling Scottish insults for Hardy's dialogue, which was a fantastic way to kill time, but if I've got any wrong then I'm sorry.

_ The man turns to Alec, a flirtatious smile on his face. “You’re looking good.” He pulls Alec in for a hard kiss. “Loving the scruff Doctor.” _

The room is silent. Beth is still staring at the blonde Doctor in awe and confusion, while everyone else watches the interaction between Captain Jack Harkness, a perfect stranger to everyone except Rose and the Doctors, and the grumpy DI Alec Hardy. Rose has seen quite a few mind blowing reactions in her travels when people are confronted with the unknown, and although the man seemed to be taking his interactions with the Doctor in rainbows, and the revelations of aliens in stride, right now Rose can only describe him as looking like his brain has broken. He’s not moving, eyes out of focus, trying and failing to come to terms with his second unexpected snog of the day, not to mention who it’s from.

It’s Ellie who finally breaks the silence with an unsuccessfully suppressed snort of laughter.

“Jack he’s not...” Rose starts.

“Me.” The pinstriped Doctor comes up beside Rose, an arm thrown over her shoulders. Finished with whatever he was doing in the back with Paul. “Hello Jack.” He gives a cheery grin and a wave.

Jack looks between the two men a couple times before giving another flirtatious smile. “Well hello then.” Jack still has Alec’s face in his hands. “Captain Jack Harkness. And you are?”

“About to arrest you if you don’t get your sodding hands off me you wanker.” Alec has finally recovered from the shock.

“Don’t tempt me with a good time.” Jack gives him a wink as he slowly backs away.

Letting out a large breath Rose walks over to the pair of men, her Doctor in pinstripes close on her heels.

“Rosie!” Jack gives her a kiss before turning to the Doctor, who is trying to duck out of the way.

“It’s you.” The actual Alec Hardy levels his gaze at her, mouth pulled in a tight line.

“Yeah about that.” Rose chews on her thumbnail for a moment before continuing. “M’sorry about earlier. Snogging you like that. I thought you were him.” She tilts her head in the direction of her pinstriped Doctor who’s attention has been drawn away from Jack at the word ‘snog’.

“You what?” He’s looking between Rose and the detective inspector.

“I thought he was you!”

“How could you think that!” The Doctor looks Alec up and down. “Just look at the hair! It’s all…” He waves his hand in the general direction of said hair. “All flat and, and sad, and Rose I am insulted. Insulted I tell you that you would think I would ever, ever go anywhere with my hair looking like that.”

“Fuck.” It’s all Rose can say as she can physically feel the tension growing between the two look a likes.

“Bite ma bawsack ye radge wee shite” Alec is quick to respond, ignoring Rose’s exasperation.

Form there, much to Rose’s dismay, Olly’s confusion, and Jack’s entertainment, it devolves into a jumble of Scottish insults, and alien curse words the TARDIS refuses to translate. Which Rose is glad for, because she’s learned a few of them by now and she really would rather not have them add more fuel to the growing fire.

While Alec and the pinstriped Doctor argue Paul finally makes his way back, catching the eye of the other Doctor. “Rory?” The Doctor in rainbows runs up to Paul. “Where’s Amy?”

“Ah sorry.” Paul holds up his hands in front of himself. “I’m Paul.”

“Oh.” Paul watches as the blonde woman visibly deflates in front of him. The hope in her eyes diminished as she casts them downwards.

“I look like someone you know?” With the multiple cases of mistaken identity that had happened today he wasn’t overly surprised that he might be another.

“Knew. My friends, I had these friends and well…” The Doctor in Rainbows folds in on herself, clearly distraught.

“I’m not your friend that you lost, but would you maybe like a hug.” Paul opens his arms in offering. She certainly looked like she could use one anyway, and if he could offer comfort he would. Part of the job description really.

“Yeah.” The Doctor in rainbows gives him a smile, eyes shining with unshed tears. “Yeah I think I would.”

“Well come on then.” Not needing any further prompting she quickly pulls Paul into a tight hug. He can feel her relax slightly after a bit.

“She looks like me.” Beth has come over to stare at the Doctor in rainbows. “How is that possible?”

“Oh you know.” The Doctor in rainbows breaks away from Paul to give Beth a grin. “Probably just a case of spatial genetic multiplicity.”

“What?” Ellie has taken a spot at Beth’s side, looking between the two nearly identical women.

“Spatial genetic multiplicity. Spend enough time near the rift in Cardiff and it takes your image and shoots it out in different times and places.” She shrugs as though it’s common knowledge. “Hi, by the way. I’m the Doctor.” She takes Beth’s hand and shakes it. “S’like looking in a mirror. Brilliant!”

Rose has just about had enough of the string of insults flowing from the detective and the Doctor in pinstripes, but before she can say anything Jack cuts in. “Y’know Rose, with all this tension, I bet if you play your cards right you could have yourself a very interesting little threesome here.”

That gets Alec’s attention. “What?” Even with everything he’s been through today he can’t possibly have heard what he thinks he’s just heard.

“Or a foursome.” Jack winks at him. “I certainly have a few tricks to spice things up if you’re game.”

“Yer bum’s oot the windae ye fuckin’ bampot.” 

“Jack!” Rose lets out a groan. Normally she loves his flirting and innuendo, but the Detective Inspector is obviously not amused by him.

“Absolutely not!” The pinstriped Doctor pulls Rose into his side, glaring at both Jack and Hardy. “Our sex life is fine as it is. Brilliant even. Absolutely spectacular.” Rose lets out another groan, burying her face in his chest in embarrassment. “And we don’t need either of you in it.” He looks down at the top of Rose’s head. “Right Rose? Tell em we don’t need any extra spice. We’re plenty spicy enough as is”

“Doctor.” Rose groans again before finally looking up at the other men around them. “Thanks for the offer Jack, but I think we’re good.”

It’s at that point Olly brings attention to himself by mumbling a bit as he quickly types into his phone.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” Olly looks up into the cold glare of Alec Hardy.

“Well, doppelgangers, aliens, it’s a good story.” Olly would come to regret those words as the Doctor in pinstripes pulls out his sonic screwdriver and points it at the phone. Within seconds it’s gone blank and sparks are flying from it. “Hey!” Olly drops the overheated device on the ground. “What the hell did you do?”

“Overloaded the motherboard, and fried all the capacitors.” The pinstriped Doctor slips his sonic back in his suit pocket. “Also wiped out any cloud storage you were updating to.”

“You, you can’t just do that!” Olly in livid now.

“Can and did.” The pinstriped Doctor gives him a wide grin.

“There are aliens in Broadchurch. The people have a right to know!” Olly is adamant.

“I had a feeling you were going to be a problem.” Jack throws an arm around Olly’s shoulder. “And here’s me without any ret-con. Doc?” Jack quirks an eyebrow at the Doctor in pinstripes.

“Oh alright.” He isn’t happy about having to let go of Rose, but if needs must.

All Olly can manage is a simple ‘what’, before the pinstriped Doctor touches his fingers to his temples and he passes out in Jack’s arm.

“What did you just do?” Alec Hardy might not like the little shite, but he was still the Detective Inspector and Olly was one of the citizens he was sworn to protect.

“Just erased the last couple hours of his memory. No harm done.”

The Doctor in rainbows comes up next to the Doctor in pinstripes, giving him an affectionate hair ruffle. “Already did the work for me. I really need to bring you along more often. My handy spare hand. Imagine all the things we could get done!”

Rose clears her throat, drawing the attention of the two Doctors.

“And Rose of course-” The Doctor in Rainbows begins.   
“Rose brilliant as ever -” The Doctor in Pinstripes says at the same time

“Rose found and apprehended the alien single handedly didn’t she.” Jack’s back to watching the interactions with amusement after setting Olly down on a pew.

“Well…” The pinstriped Doctor drawls out   
“It was a-” The Doctor in Rainbows begins to add.

“Good Job Rosie. Knew you had it in you.” Jack is beaming in pride at Rose.

“Thanks Jack.” She offers up her tongue touched grin to one of her best friends. “Speaking of. What were they Doctor?”

“Nostravites.” The Doctor in pinstripes happily supplies.

“I haven’t seen any of those in ages.” Adds the Doctor in Rainbows

“Actually ran into a couple a few years back myself.” Jack crosses his arms in front of him. “Did they lay their eggs in anyone?”

“Nope!” The Doctor in pinstripes answers. “The male hadn’t had a chance yet. Rose got here just in the nick of time.”

“Right then.” The Doctor in Rainbows claps her hands together. “Go get the TARDIS, grab the Nostravites, then onto the next adventure.”

“If we set the coordinates right, and with two time lords we’ve got a pretty great chance, we should just be able to make it to the premier of Jurassic Planet 10.” The Doctor in pinstripes enthuses. 

“Hold on.” Hardy interrupts as the group begins to leave. “You can’t just leave.” 

“Not with everything you’ve just put us through.” Ellie adds in.

“Right.” The Doctor in Rainbows hangs back. “Here’s to make up for all the trouble.” She places her sonic right over Alec’s pacemaker, engaging if for a few seconds before tucking it away again. “All done!”

Alec violently jerks away from her “What did you just do?”

“Oh just a bit of an upgrade.” She smiles brightly at him before running off to catch up with her companions.

“What do you mean an upgrade?” His hands are splayed over his chest, as though somehow he could figure out what she had done through touch alone. “What upgrade?” After a moment he looks up to see her already several yards away from him. 

“Jurassic Planet 10. I heard the T-Rex they cast for the main roll was a real diva.” Jack laughs as he follows his friends out of the church.

“Doctor! What upgrade!?!” Hardy yells after them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This note contains spoilers for Season 12 Episode 5 of Doctor Who
> 
> Not saying I'm psychic, but I had the random idea to throw in Jack a week before his surprise re appearance, so I'm hoping this is a sign that there's going to be a team up of these four idiots this season.


End file.
